


Help You Outta This Place

by orphan_account



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:41:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27840181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Silence falls in the studio, broken only by Reggie playing the occasional chord, although it takes Reggie a long time to notice the others have stopped playing and join them.“You know, maybe it’s not me and Julie with the chemistry in the band,” Luke says, when Reggie finally takes his hands away from his bass, and winks at him. “Gonna stop checking out Alex for a minute and look my way instead?”
Relationships: Alex/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 158





	Help You Outta This Place

**Author's Note:**

> Less than two weeks after watching this show I'm already writing fanfic about these adorable dorks. Heaven help me.
> 
> This is kinda personal and relates to me but as usual I projected my feelings onto my characters instead of dealing with those issues properly. Many thanks to Justine who let me yell at her about this and read some of it to make sure it wasn't complete rubbish. And also for introducing me to these characters and the show.
> 
> Title taken from the song Only You by The Wanted.

Reggie doesn’t even know why he mentioned Julie, but once he’s started, he decides to go the whole way and finally get this conversation over and done with. “Everyone can see the way you look at her when you sing. You guys just ooze chemistry.”

“You should never say ooze again,” Alex tells him, clearly uncomfortable with the word, “but yeah, I agree.”

Luke stares at Alex in disbelief as he stands up to carry on the conversation, then shakes his head slightly. “Okay no, I have chemistry with everybody that I sing with,” He insists, taking his guitar off and resting it back on its stand. 

Reggie and Alex share a look, because there’s chemistry and there’s _chemistry_ , and they both know which Luke has with Julie.

“Seriously, watch.”

Reggie gets no warning before Luke dives back into the song they were rehearsing, eyes fixed straight on his, staring so intensely Reggie can’t look away. _I believe, I believe that we’re just one dream, away from who we’re meant to be,_ Luke sings, slowly moving closer until he grabs Reggie by the neck and pulls him almost close enough to kiss. _That we’re standing on the edge of... great._

Luke continues staring long after he stops the song, and all Reggie can do is stare back. For Luke and Alex yes, there would be chemistry, and Reggie can feel the intensity of the moment. But it’s not the same for him, and he knows it. Seeing the two of them when they hit on someone and get up close and let their hands wander has taught Reggie that he doesn’t have that kind of chemistry with anyone, because he doesn’t have those kinds of desires, and it’s no surprise he also doesn’t feel it then as Luke sings to him.

A brief flash of panic fills Reggie’s head, making him wonder if the other two saw his lack of interest in Luke, and then Alex breaks the silence. “Wow. I see chemistry.”

With Luke still staring at him and Luke’s fingers making his neck tingle, Reggie can’t think straight. However he also only has a few seconds to react so he nods quickly and swallows, hoping the next words out of his mouth make sense in the context, and won’t give away his secret. “That was pretty hot.”

Luke gives Reggie that subtle look which makes girls go weak at the knees, kisses his fingers and presses them to Reggie’s lips. With the point proved, Luke then turns away and heads back to his guitar, ready to get back to work.

Reggie, on the other hand, is left reeling by the last moment. People have touched his mouth before, but that’s the closest he’s got to a first kiss, and it confirms what Reggie always thought - that he never really wants to kiss anyone, lips to lips. Kissing a cheek or a forehead might be nice, as a form of comfort and closeness. But another set of lips on his would freak him out, in case the other person didn’t understand and took things too far.

Alex sits down at the drums and Luke’s got his guitar ready, so Reggie clears his throat and grabs his bass, pulling it into place so he can play. “Girls, am I right?” He says, to break the awkward moment and get back to practice, his hand wandering vaguely through the air beside him.

Luke shoots him a knowing grin. “Yeah.”

“No.”

Reggie glances over but Alex is counting them in, his brow furrowed in concentration, so Reggie just goes with it.

Practice goes well, even though Reggie’s on autopilot while his mind focuses on more important things. Alex wasn’t offended by Reggie, just reminded him in that calm and casual way that actually no, he isn’t straight, something Alex seems to accept more easily in 2020 than he ever did in 1995. But Reggie shouldn’t have said that. Not only did he remind Alex that he was different, but Reggie also suggested to Luke that he was the same, that he understood those feelings for girls and felt them too. Now he’s done that Reggie knows it’ll be even harder to open up to his bandmates and tell them the truth - that he doesn’t even want a relationship if it’s only going to head towards the bedroom.

Alex laughs softly, and Reggie smiles at him, glad he’s happy. They’re all super close as bandmates, but something’s different about Alex. The way he opens up to them, showing his feelings and talking about what’s going on in his head makes Reggie feel closer to him, and makes him want to be honest and vulnerable around Alex too.

As always those thoughts pull Reggie into daydreams of singing Alex love songs, with soft melodies and romantic lyrics, as he stares into his eyes, the two of them connected by the music. They could do it on the beach, waves lapping in the background, then Reggie would rest his head on Alex’s chest to hear his heartbeat, or they’d walk back across town, hand in hand, not caring who saw them. Back in the studio they’d curl up on the couch and watch one of those romantic movies Alex loves and Reggie can tolerate, as long as the couple don’t get too physical or strip off, and Reggie would play with Alex’s hair, gently running his fingers through it as Alex’s head rests in his lap.

Silence falls in the studio, broken only by Reggie playing the occasional chord, although it takes Reggie a long time to notice the others have stopped playing and join them.

“You know, maybe it’s not me and Julie with the chemistry in the band,” Luke says, when Reggie finally takes his hands away from his bass, and winks at him. “Gonna stop checking out Alex for a minute and look my way instead?”

Reggie’s breath hitches in his chest, the suggestion that he’s into Alex like that uncomfortable and unsettling. “No, I wasn’t-”

“I mean, I wasn’t gonna say it, but you kinda were, man.” Alex shoots him a kind smile, and Reggie’s stomach does that strange flip it always does when Alex looks after him. “It’s not a big deal - I’m sure it’s not like that. But you were watching me in this intense way, and-”

“I gotta go.”

“Reg, we’re in the middle of practice,” Luke points out, gesturing to their instruments. “We’ve got a performance tomorrow night, and we’re adding a new song, so you can’t just ditch us. Seriously, just get your attention off Alex for five minutes, because I think your bass is going out of tune and so far you haven’t even noticed.”

Everything inside Reggie tightens and twists up, the guilt of ruining their practice building up on top of his insecurities and disgust at the idea of him and Alex having that kind of chemistry. With shaky hands Reggie gets the strap of his bass off and sits it carefully in its stand, eyes fixed on the instrument even once it’s safely in the right place. “I’m gonna take some time out,” He tells the others quietly. “I’ll be back later, when Julie can join us after dinner, so I’ll see you then.”

“What is wrong with you, man? We are meant to be working, you don’t just get to-”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alex says, his seat squeaking as he stands again. “You go get some air, Reg. You’re right, we can work this out later. Besides,” He adds, shooting a glare at Luke when he tries to argue, “we’ll have to do all the songs again with Julie, so it’s not a big deal.”

“It’s not a big deal? We’ve got promoters, managers, record execs, and all kinds of other people coming, and it’s not a big deal that our bassist just walks out mid practice, leaving us unable to rehearse until he-”

Reggie lifts his head enough to catch Alex’s eye and he nods, so Reggie poofs away before Luke notices he’s still going to leave.

Without a specific destination in mind Reggie wasn’t sure where he would end up, so he’s pleasantly surprised to be on the beach, outside his parents' old house.

A cat pads over and rubs itself against Reggie’s leg, and he pets it for a minute. “Do you know anything about telling my friends that I’m not interested in real relationships, and would rather just be Alex’s closest friend forever instead of finding a girlfriend or boyfriend?”

The cat purrs softly and nudges Reggie’s hand to get more attention.

“Yeah, didn’t think so.”

Just in case the others try to follow Reggie poofs out again, this time heading for his old middle school. The three of them didn’t meet until high school, when Reggie’s parents moved across the city to their lovely big house with views of the sea, so hopefully his bandmates won’t be able to find Reggie here.

“Hey, man. Where’s the other guys?”

Willie.

Being here with Willie is almost worse than being with his bandmates, Reggie thinks, as he walks across the empty parking lot towards him. “Hanging out together, I think. Not really sure. Just needed some time on my own.”

“Ah, right.” Willie rides his board over, screeching to a halt right in front of Reggie. “Did Alex tell you, then?”

Reggie was already feeling low about the Alex situation, but those words come as a kick in the teeth. Clearly Alex hanging out with Willie isn’t just about being friends, as he keeps telling them, and there’s something more between them. Maybe Alex knows how Reggie feels, and he’s trying to find a way to let him down gently, or maybe he’s just waiting for the right time after their big performance, but either way, Reggie knows he has to prepare himself for that disappointment.

“Alex hasn’t told us anything, but I’m pretty sure I can tell what’s going on.” Reggie snorts, shaking his head, because it’s so obvious now Willie’s said there’s something to tell, and Reggie can’t believe he hasn’t noticed this before. “He’s certainly got a crush on you - I’ve seen it before man, the way he acts when he’s crushing on someone - and either you broke his heart, or you guys got together. From the look on your face I’m guessing it’s the good news, not the bad, so congrats on figuring it out. Alex deserves to be happy, so look after him for us, yeah?”

Willie has that look on his face, about to respond, but laughs it off. “Yeah, okay - there’s no way he told you the truth.” He grabs his board and they start walking towards the main building, where there’s a few benches to sit down. “Are you sure it’s me he’s crushing on? I mean, has he ever said it’s me he wants? Because he’s never said it to me, and I just. I think he’d tell me if he felt that way, don’t you?”

Reggie frowns at the bench but climbs up anyway, sitting as far as he can from Willie without falling off. “I dunno. But he doesn’t know anyone else, and he’s never been like this around me or Luke before, so.” He shrugs and looks out across the area. Several houses and small shops surrounded the school when Reggie was here, but in the last 25 years they’ve all been cleared to make room for a massive Walmart. “Unless there’s another ghost he’s going to hang out with, and he’s using you as a cover when we ask.”

“You guys died in ‘95, yeah?” Willie asks, glancing over as Reggie nods. “Yeah, not the most - I mean it wasn’t great being gay when I died four years ago, but back then. Man, I can’t even imagine what it was like for Alex, coming out in ‘95.”

“Not easy. But he had us, and we would never - It’s not a thing for me or Luke, you know? I mean he’s Alex, and he was the same person he always was, after he came out. So we didn’t - we didn’t even think about it. It’s just like, Luke likes girls, and Alex likes boys, and that’s the way it is.”

“And Reggie likes-?”

Willie’s just curious, his smile kind and welcoming, but Reggie still doesn’t feel like he can talk about it. “Reggie’s a weirdo, who doesn’t like anyone.”

Alex and Luke never actually talked about liking people, about the feelings they got for someone attractive and interesting and kissable, but several times Reggie caught them in quiet places with a partner, so he gets the idea. There’s a lot of being attached at the lips and wandering hands and soft breathy noises, even when all the clothes stay on, and Reggie has never wanted to do those things with another person, so he hasn’t really liked anyone, not in the normal way.

“So, I guess when you guys were growing up, it was either you like boys or you like girls, right?” Willie says carefully, and Reggie nods. “Well now it’s like, maybe you like girls or maybe you like boys, but there’s also liking both boys and girls, or liking them both in different ways, or only liking someone once you know them. And there’s also.” Willie freezes, and Reggie looks up just in time to see the way his lips trembles. “There’s also liking the physical stuff, the things adults do together, but not the romance, or liking the romance but not the - the other things.”

Reggie offers a hand for Willie to hold. “Is that you? Liking some of the things and not the others?”

“Yeah.” Willie takes Reggie’s hand and clings on to it tightly. “It’s called asexual. I don’t have the-” He squeezes his eyes shut and a tear rolls down his cheek. “I don’t feel the adult things, the wanting to - to touch someone, to put my hands on their skin or have them touching me.”

“Same here.”

Willie wipes his face with his free hand, still holding Reggie’s hand with the other. “Really?”

“I mean, I don’t think it’s the same,” Reggie adds, rubbing his thumb over Willie’s knuckles. “I can talk about the adult things, and don’t freak out when the other guys mention it.” Willie nods slowly, his head dropped lower than before, so Reggie gives him another squeeze. “But I don’t feel that for anyone, and I definitely don’t want to do any of it.”

“For me, it’s uh. I’m sex-repulsed, that’s the way you, like.” Willie gasps softly and shoves his hair back off his face. “I don’t even know why it happened, because there’s no - I wasn’t abused as a kid, and there’s no bad break ups or anything else to explain the way I feel. All I know is - man, sometimes even when I thought about it, I would chuck up everywhere. And the one time a girl tried - did something, more than I could handle, my skin was crawling for days after. And there’s - I can’t explain it, why I-”

“No, buddy. You don’t have to explain that - you don’t need a reason, just like me and Alex and Luke don’t have to explain why we have our feelings.” Reggie shuffles over, close enough to hug Willie, and holds his arms out. “You okay with this, though? Me holding you?”

“Yeah - yeah, I’d like that.” Reggie hugs him, and Willie hugs back even tighter. “Hugging’s good - I love hugs, man. But just with friends, or like, casual.”

Reggie smiles softly, his eyes drifting shut. “Hugs are the best.”

They sit in silence, holding on tightly, as the kids pour out of school, yelling and laughing and chatting and heading for buses and parents. The noise slowly drops again, the burning heat of the sun mellowing too as it passes its peak, until all that’s left is the thrum of cars on a main road behind the school. “Sorry, man,” Reggie finally says, patting Willie on the back, “but I think I’m gonna have to-”

“Oh no, Reginald,” Alex says, his tone dry and cold. “Don’t stop on my part.”

Reggie falls off the back of the bench and hits the floor hard, groaning loudly at the pain through his shoulder. It quickly fades to a dull ache, throbbing enough for Reggie to consider putting an icepack on it, but it’s not sharp or overwhelming so he doesn’t worry. _At least there won’t be any damage this time_ , Reggie thinks sourly, before rolling over and getting to his feet.

By then Alex has gone again, and Reggie sighs heavily. “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go deal with that,” He tells Willie, grabbing his hand and pulling him in for a quick one armed hug. “I’ll see you around some time, yeah?”

Willie shrugs, his gaze aimed away from Reggie. “Thought you didn’t like me that much.”

“I was jealous of you and Alex - I just really-” Reggie sighs and shakes his head. “I always hoped I could just date him. Like, walks on the beach holding hands, and little kisses on the cheek, and cinema dates, or coffee shop things, or lying in his arms as we watch TV. But he’s got that crush on someone, whoever it is, so-”

“Tell him.”

Reggie shakes his head and turns away. “Nah, man. He doesn’t - Alex wants the other stuff, I know that. He’d never be happy with me - not without everything else, and I can’t give him that.”

Willie jumps down and stands right in front of Reggie, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him a little. “Tell him,” He insists, staring Reggie in the eye. “Go find Alex, and tell him exactly how you feel. Even if you have to yell it at him, or pin him to the ground to stop him running away.” Willie laughs and gives him another shake. “Tell him, Reggie. Or I will.”

With a step back and that weird two fingered salute Alex once did, Willie poofs out of there, his skateboard following soon after, and Reggie’s left on his own, stood outside his old school.

“Guess I’d better go talk to Alex then,” He says to himself, and heads back to the garage.

~ ~ ~

Luke straddling Alex’s waist while Julie holds onto their captive’s ankles was a scene Reggie never thought he would see, but that’s exactly what he finds when he gets back to the studio.

“Julie, that’s not fair and you know it!” Alex screams, his head tipped back as he wrestles with Luke. “I know you can stop us disappearing by holding on, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. I may be a ghost but I’m a human ghost - I have human rights, and you’re interfering with them!”

“I’m not letting you go anywhere until Reggie gets back and explains himself.” Julie says calmly, ducking when Alex’s foot almost collides with her face.

“And I’m helping because there’s no way Julie’s strong enough to hold you still for that long!” Luke yells, as Alex grabs his shirt and tries to shove him away. “Also you are not messing up the band with your stupid little crush - you two are gonna be adults and talk about this!”

“We’re stuck at 17, Lucas, so we don’t have to be adults about anything - ever!” Alex groans and hits Luke in the side, and gets a kick to the hip in return. “And we are not gonna ruin the band with this, because I’m never gonna tell him I’ve been pining over him for years.” Alex sighs heavily and gives up, his whole body flopping to the floor as his muscles relax. “He doesn’t even feel the same, so there’s no reason to say any-”

“I’m asexual!”

They freeze, all four of them, and the other three turn in slow motion to stare at Reggie. “How much of that did you hear?” Luke asks, his eyes comically wide as he stares at Reggie with his hands still on Alex’s shoulders.

Now he’s got their attention, Reggie decides to ignore the question and just carry on with what he needs to say. “I’m asexual, and it’s this word Willie told me about, because he’s asexual too, and it means we don’t - we we’re not into all the heavy kissing, or touching a partner, or the sexy stuff. And I - I could never talk about who I was into, because I couldn’t say I didn’t want to get a hand on someone’s - on their butt, or a bare chest, or do anything more.” Reggie takes a ragged breath and continues before anyone can interrupt him. “But I’m in love with you, Alex, and I have been for years. I want to take you on dates, and hold you at night, and play with your hair while your head’s in my lap - I just.” He swallows hard and closes his eyes, the desperate need to share his feelings fading away. “I just don’t want the other stuff.”

A tense silence lingers long after Reggie finishes talking, long enough to make him worry about what they think. “Maybe I should-”

“No, Reg.” Julie scrabbles to her feet and runs over to hug him. “No, it’s so good you told us about this, and it’s okay that you’re asexual. You don’t have to do anything you’re not okay with, for anyone, ever. Isn’t that right, guys?”

“Yeah, yeah - of course, man.” Luke gets up and joins them, wrapping his arms around both of them together. “You do you, and if you’re not - if sex isn’t your thing then that’s okay. We love you Reggie, and we always will, so you can always tell us about this stuff. And if you want us to change, we can. Like, if we shouldn’t talk about stuff, if it makes you feel weird, then you just have to say. As for Alex, well he - Alex, tell him.” There’s no response, so Luke turns his head to look back. “Alex?”

Luke and Julie step away, revealing an empty space on the ground where Alex had been, and Reggie gasps loudly. His chest seizes up for a long moment, his whole body trembling from the shock that Alex has just gone without saying a word, then a huge wail bursts out. 

“It’s okay - it’s okay man, we got you,” Luke says, grabbing Reggie around the waist to stop him hitting the floor as he collapses. “Don’t worry about Alex - we can deal with that, man. He’s not mad at you, or hating you or anything. He’s just got his own stuff going on. It’s gonna be okay, Reg - I swear. It’s gonna be okay.”

Reggie nuzzles into Luke’s shoulder, with Julie wrapped around the other side of him, and sobs heavily. Maybe that was the wrong time to break the news, but Reggie still felt open and relaxed and okay with what he was after the conversation with Willie, and telling everyone seemed easy and quick. It would certainly be better to get it over with now, instead of worrying about what they’d think for days and days, which would only make it harder to get the words out when the right time came. But Alex’s reaction hurts, more than Reggie thought anything ever could. He always thought it wasn’t right, not having those feelings, and Alex running away from him just confirms him: he’s broken and useless, and no one’s going to want him once they know the truth.

The tears finally dry up and Reggie sighs into Luke’s neck, feeling numb now he’s got past the initial wave of emotion. “Think I’m gonna sleep for a week after that,” He mumbles, already half way there, and shuffles around to make himself comfortable.

“Don’t sleep yet - I’m gonna get outta here, and go find Alex.” Luke pats Reggie on the arm and gently passes him over to Julie. “That was not okay, sneaking out when you’d spilled your guts and we were hugging you, and I’m not letting him back in until I know he’s sorted things out. I’m not letting him hurt you again, Reggie,” He says, more determined than Reggie’s ever seen him before. “Not like that.”

“Hang on,” Julie says, as Luke gets ready to leave. “If Alex comes back, he’ll come here, won’t he?”

Luke shoots Reggie a look but he just shrugs. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So maybe you can help me get Reggie into the house, and he can sleep on the couch in my dad’s office while I do my homework at the desk.” Julie rubs Reggie’s arm and he smiles softly at her. “Alex will probably stay in the garage once he’s back, so if Reggie’s not here, he can keep some distance and only see Alex when he’s ready.”

“That does sound good,” Reggie tells Luke, slowly climbing to his feet. “Although you should tell your dad I’m there, so he doesn’t sit on me - in me - or anything.”

They stumble up to the house, all three of them clinging onto each other, and Reggie and Luke sit on the stairs while Julie checks with her dad. “So I know I’m gonna go get Alex, but is there anything else I can do to help?” Luke asks quietly while they’re waiting.

“No - not at the moment, anyway.”

“Okay.” Luke gently nudges Reggie, who nudges back with a smile. “You know I would do anything for you, if I could help, don’t you?”

Reggie turns to face Luke properly and gives him a broader smile, naturally feeling a bit better thanks to his friend’s kindness. “Yeah man, I know. And I’d do the same for you - and Alex too, if he doesn’t hate me by now.” Luke tries to speak, but Reggie shoots him a look and he gives up. “But there’s nothing right now that’ll help. I really just need a rest, and some time on my own.”

Julie returns and says they can use the office, so they take Reggie in and settle him on the couch, then Luke disappears. “I know there’s even less I can do than Luke, but I would also help you in any possible way if you needed it - you know that, don’t you?” Julie says, as she covers Reggie with a blanket.

“Yeah I do,” Reggie murmurs, his eyes slipping shut of their own accord, “because you’re doing it right now.”

With gentle thoughts of Alex holding him during a movie the night before Reggie falls asleep, wondering what he’ll wake up to in the morning.

~ ~ ~

After a few hours of proper sleep Reggie wakes, then drifts in and out of strange dreams for most of the night. Sometimes he cries for a while when he thinks of Alex’s face when he came out to them all, or laughs softly to himself at all the funny moments they’ve shared, but mostly he just tries to pretend this isn’t happening. At one point Reggie gets lonely lying in the office on his own and considers heading out to the garage, just in case the others are awake and ready to talk. But to talk Reggie would have to have something to say, and all he wants to say in the night is that the band’s over, he’s leaving them, and he’ll find a new life on his own somewhere else. It may be true, and Reggie may decide to do that if Alex still doesn’t want him, but telling the others that in the middle of the night will only start an argument that wakes Julie and causes more problems.

Eventually the light of day breaks through the blinds and Reggie sits himself up, rubbing his eyes. He’s not exactly ready for the day ahead and seeing the guys again, but he can’t stay on the couch all day. Being lazy won’t solve any of his problems.

There’s a knock at the door, and before Reggie can even answer it opens. Ray comes in, carrying two mugs, and smiles when he looks at the couch. “Oh good, you’re up.”

Reggie frowns at him because wait, what? “Can you see me now, Ray? Or was that just a really good guess?”

“Well, the blankets have moved so I’m guessing you’re up.” Ray puts one mug on the desk, and brings the other over to the couch. “My wife always did this special cocoa with hot milk and a bit of cinnamon for the kids when they were upset. Now I’m not saying you’re a kid, but Julie told me about what’s going on and I thought it could make you feel better.”

A low coffee table sits in front of the couch and Ray rests the mug on it, taking the time to point the handle towards the couch. “I also really hope Julie means it when she says you can eat and drink stuff in our house,” He adds, watching carefully as Reggie picks up the mug and holds it tightly in his hands. “That cocoa’s gonna make a mess on the couch and blankets if it goes right through you, and I’m not looking forward to cleaning it all up.”

Reggie sips the drink carefully and finds that no, the drink doesn’t fall through him and reappear on the couch. “I’ll be honest Ray, I’ve only just realised I’d be sat in the cocoa if that hadn’t worked,” He says, staring at the mug.

There’s an old notebook and pen on the table, and Reggie puts the mug down to take them instead. “Thank you Ray”, he writes in his best handwriting, then turns the book to show Ray his message.

Awkward silence follows, long enough to make Reggie wonder if he did the right thing. “I’m glad to know you appreciate it,” Ray finally says, still staring at the page, “but I just saw those things float through the air, and then a message appear on what was a blank page of the notebook, so I’m kinda.” He clears his throat and blinks. “Yeah, this is just too weird.”

Reggie turns the book back to him and writes underneath, “That’s what Julie said when she first met us!” As an afterthought he adds, “although she could see us and talk to us, so maybe she meant we’re weird”.

“Okay, well. I’m gonna work in here for a bit, but you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” Ray goes and sits at the desk, pulling out his laptop. “Knew I shouldn’t have taken on another client this month - I have no idea how I’ll get all this done in time for them,” He mutters, his attention focused on the screen as it loads up.

They sit together comfortably, Reggie drinking the cocoa as Ray works on his computer. At some point Reggie knows he has to go back to the garage - to grab his bass and spare clothes and bag, if nothing else - but he’s grateful to have more time and space to himself. It gives him an opportunity to work through his thoughts and decide what he actually wants to do next, without rushing into anything.

Leaving still seems like a good option, if Alex doesn’t want to be around Reggie now, but Reggie knows he has to give him a chance and see what he has to say for himself. There’s a million reasons why Alex could have left in that moment, and until Reggie actually knows what was going through his best friend’s head when he found out Reggie’s asexual and loves him, he won’t start jumping to conclusions or making any big decisions. It could have just been a shock, in the same way Reggie was shocked by Luke getting so close to him when he was singing, and Reggie can’t blame Alex for needing to be alone if he just hadn’t expected Reggie to say it.

The mug clanks when Reggie puts it down on the table and Ray looks over, smiling softly. “Hey, feeling any better yet?”

“Yeah a bit,” Reggie writes back, and Ray nods. “Thank you,” He then adds, “for letting me be in here all this time. I’m gonna go sort things out now, so I won’t interrupt you again.”

“Ah no, you’re okay. Actually,” Ray says, turning his chair to face the couch, “I was gonna tell you something, if you’ve got a few more minutes to hang out here. Although you can’t tell Julie about this - I’ve never told Julie or Carlos, in case they get upset about it.”

“Sure,” Reggie tells him, out loud and then written down. “I can keep a secret,” He adds to the page, and Ray nods.

“Okay so, Julie’s mom and I got together kinda young - not teenagers, but I was 23, she was 21 - and I just fell for her, real hard. We didn’t see each other much but every time I took the bus across the city so she wouldn’t have to pay the fare, and I’d take flowers or something from the thrift store I knew she’d love, and I’d just sit and watch her practice with her band or hang around at a venue, waiting for any chance to chat in between what she was doing. And then finally, after months of that, I said I loved her, because I just knew I did.”

Ray sighs wistfully, his gaze drifting up to a photo on the wall of Julie and Carlos. “She just walked out in silence, and I didn’t see her the next day, liked we’d planned, so I guessed that was it, I’d messed up. But a week later I came home to a box outside my front door, and my name on the top in her writing.”

A phone rings, somewhere else in the house, but Ray just waits for the person to leave a message on the answering machine then carries on. “She made these cookies for a bake sale, the first time I met her. I have no idea what was in them, but they were little round things, with a Hersey’s kiss pressed in the top, and they’re the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted. And she’d baked me a whole box full of them, and tucked a little card beside. _I didn’t want to hear you say you love me,_ ” Ray says, his voice softening as he repeats his wife’s words from all that time ago, “ _but you have been telling me every time you spend an hour on the bus to come see me, or search the thrift store for a new bracelet, or lend me your jacket when I shiver in the night air. I think now it’s time to tell you I feel the same._ ”

Reggie scratches the back of his neck, the mug in front of him blurring as tears build up. It’s so beautiful, what Ray had with his wife, and Reggie knows he’ll never get that now.

“My point is, _mijo_ , that people say they love each other in all kinds of ways. Maybe your friend doesn’t like the words, or can’t say them out loud, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you too.” Ray folds his arms across his chest and shrugs. “Maybe he says it by picking up extra of the foods you like from the store, so you never run out of your favourite. Or maybe he’s learnt your favourite song, so he can cheer you up when you’re down. And maybe you never said the words before, but you let him talk about the things that worry him, or you chose a movie he loves to cheer him up, so he already knows.”

The answering machine bleeps steadily in the background, and with another shrug Ray stands up. “I’m gonna have to go check that. But go talk to your friend, see what’s going on. And no arguments!” He adds, pointing straight at Reggie’s face, almost putting the finger through his forehead. “Julie hates it when you boys argue, and if you hurt her, I’m coming after you.”

Ray leaves, heading out to the kitchen to find the answering machine, so Reggie does too, walking through the house to the garden and then the studio, instead of going straight there.

When he knocks on the door Julie answers, and frowns at Reggie for a long time. “You know you can just come in here?” She asks, gesturing to the space behind her. “You know you’ve just been appearing in the studio and then vanishing again for the last few months, and it’s totally okay with me?”

“Is Alex around?” Reggie tucks his thumbs in his belt loops, looking down at Julie’s wrist instead of meeting her gaze.

“Do you want me to go?” Alex says, leaning on the edge of the closed door. “I’d get it, if you want me to be somewhere else. I could hang out with Willie for a bit, while you talk to Julie or Luke, or do whatever you came here for.”

Reggie squeezes his eyes shut, and wills himself not to cry. “Please don’t run away from me again,” He whispers, voice almost breaking. “I know - Can we at least talk about this? About what’s happening to the band? I know you don’t want to be near me now, I know I’m wrong and weird and broken, and I can leave if you want, if I’m out of the band-”

“Whoa, who said you’re out of the band?” Luke calls from inside, then appears next to Reggie. “No one’s kicking you out of the band, man.”

“And I’m not going to run away.” Alex stares sadly at Reggie when he glances up. “I don’t want to leave, but I thought you may not want to be around me yet. I thought you might-” He clears his throat and shrugs, his voice dropping to a murmur. “I thought you might hate me, after what I did yesterday.”

“How about, if both of you want to sort this out, we all go inside and talk about it properly?” Julie suggests, gently touching both Reggie and Alex on the arm. “Come on. We can all sit down together and take our time to talk it all through, and make sure we all understand how each other’s feeling. Because I don’t think any of you have been opening up and sharing what matters to you for a long time, and that’s what’s causing all these problems.”

Reggie nods and Alex quietly agrees, so they head inside. “Oh no, you don’t get the couch,” Luke says, blocking Alex with his arm. “You’re the one who started all this mess, so you go sit on your own on the other chair.”

With a heavy sigh Alex nods and heads to the chair, but Reggie grabs him by the elbow. “Actually, you started it all Luke, so you take the chair.”

“Me?” Luke asks loudly, gesturing to himself. With a slow shake of the head, he gestures to Reggie, his face contorted with disbelief. “You really wanna blame me for Alex running away and being a coward and not saying he’s got the biggest crush ever on you? And for holding him down to keep him in the studio yesterday until you got back from that chat with Willie?” Luke throws his hands in the air when Reggie nods. “And how exactly was all that my fault?”

Reggie squeezes his eyes shut, because it wasn’t really Luke’s fault. Anyone else would have laughed it off and not cared, but he had to go and be weird about it, and that’s what really caused the problem. Not Luke being Luke, and flirting with everyone in sight, but Reggie freaking out about it, and hating the way it made him feel.

Alex gasps softly. “Your stupid “I have chemistry with everyone I sing with!” stunt.”

Luke stares at Alex, then turns to stare at Reggie, his mouth hanging open. “Seriously?”

“I’ve never had those feelings for anyone, and it was just weird, having you so intense and in my face and.” Reggie slips past the others and takes the single chair for himself, curling up tightly in the seat. “I know what you guys feel is different to what I do, that I’ve never had the kind of thoughts you do about what I want with someone. And I could just see it so clearly from the look in your eye, the same look you used on girls you liked. In that moment I just - I had to get away from it, because I felt so useless, seeing those natural feelings you have for people and knowing I’d never get that.”

“You’re not useless, or broken or wrong, for not having those feelings,” Julie tells Reggie, sitting on the couch at his end. “Flynn is also ace - that’s the short way of saying asexual, like you might say bi or homo - and you said Willie’s the same too?”

Reggie nods slowly. “But yesterday I didn’t have the word for it, or know anyone else who’s the same.”

“And even when you realise you’re not the only one, it takes a while to undo the feelings of being unworthy and messed up for being different.” Alex smiles uncomfortably, sitting near Reggie on the floor instead of joining Julie on the couch. “Especially when the rest of the world keeps telling you being different is wrong.”

Luke looks between the three of them, the frown on his face deepening the longer he carries on. “Really?” He finally asks, stopping on Reggie. “The world makes a big deal outta you not wanting sex?”

One of Julie’s girly magazines sits on the table in front of him, so Reggie grabs it. He hasn’t seen this one before, but he already knows he can make his point with it. “We start with a woman spraying her perfume with no clothes on. Next page, a topless guy, showing off his muscles and tugging on the waistband of his underwear. Then a mascara called “Better Than Sex” - because we all know how good sex is, and this is better than it!” The next few pages are interviews, then it starts again. “Four pages of irresistible make up, to guarantee he kisses you at the end of the night, and six pages of dresses, all low cut or very short or split up to the hip, none of which would cover their underwear if they had any on. And finally another interview - “what Tom Holland wants from a girl!” And no, he doesn’t mention her grades or hobbies!”

“Reg, I am so sorry-”

“Sorry for what, exactly?” Reggie asks, throwing the magazine back on the table, because he’s had enough of this. “Sorry that our society makes us think about it 24/7, then criticises anyone who wants it too much or not enough? Or sorry that I’m making a scene because I don’t want what everyone else does?”

Luke sighs, looking up at his best friend through the hair falling over his eyes. “I’m sorry all this has been hurting you dude, and you haven’t been able to tell us about it before.”

The pain and loneliness and sorrow all hit Reggie like a train, harder than anything he’s ever felt before, and he slumps in the chair, tears falling down his face. For years he’s been looking into other people’s worlds, their feelings and behaviours and ways of living, but he’s never let anyone see into his, and shown them all the differences. For the first time Reggie feels like his bandmates can actually see him, all of him, and know who he really is instead of the facade he kept up to protect himself.

“Can we hug you right now?” Alex says quietly, lifting his arms up a little. “I know at times it doesn’t help, that’s why I asked. But I think we all - yeah, we just want to comfort you right now.”

Reggie shakes his head. Not yet.

“Can I talk for a bit then?”

After a moment to think Reggie nods, then gives Alex a hand to hold.

“I never had a crush on Willie - that’s why I got so mad about you and Luke teasing me.” Alex says, starting slowly. “And I was only hanging out with Willie so much because I had the biggest crush ever on someone else, and I couldn’t tell you or Luke about it. I knew Luke couldn’t keep it a secret-”

“Hey!” Luke folds his arms across his chest and pouts like a grumpy toddler. “I can keep a secret!”

Alex glares at him. “Last week Carlos left a bar of chocolate on Julie’s bed, and when you saw it you went straight to her school and told her!”

“And in junior year at high school I bought flowers for my music teacher to say thanks for teaching me bass and you told her before I could give them to her at lunch!” Reggie reminds him, and Luke scoffs at it.

“You left a note in Flynn’s locker saying I’d blown off Nick to write songs with you,” Julie adds, and raises a finger to stop Luke when he tries to argue. “No one else even knew I was meant to be meeting Nick then - including Flynn! - so who else could have told her?”

Luke throws himself on the couch next to Julie, the pout and folded arms still fixed in place. “Okay, so I don’t like people not knowing things. What’s the problem with that?”

“I was not gonna tell you I had a crush on Reggie - which I was never gonna do anything about - when I knew you’d go straight to him and spill everything!” Alex points out, gesturing wildly with his free hand. “And obviously I didn’t want to say anything to you, Reg,” He says gently, calming down as he looks at Reggie. “I just - I had no idea who you might like, because it was just like you wanted to be friends with everyone. And I guess now that makes sense, knowing you don’t feel the things I expected you to. But I wondered if maybe you knew, and it was your way of stopping me from doing anything, so I just kept quiet about it.”

“And then he saw you hug Willie yesterday, and thought you must like him instead,” Luke adds, rolling his eyes. “Even though you’d stared at him for hours in practice just before that, with those big dumb eyes like he’d hung the moon in the - hey!”

“You don’t need to be part of this conversation, Luke,” Julie tells him, from her new place on his lap. “So if you’re not gonna shut up and listen and only talk when it’s helpful, I’m gonna hold you here and suggest Reg and Alex go talk about their problems in some other place.” She grins at Alex, ignoring the mutters and grumbles coming from behind her. “Yeah, carry on then. You said about not wanting to tell Reggie?”

Alex laughs softly and turns back to Reggie, his smile dazzling in the bright midday sun. “I just wanted you so much and usually it was okay. But then sometimes, like yesterday, it felt like I had a chance. The way you looked at me, man. It was like you wanted me too, and uh, I guess you did?”

“Yeah, I did.” Reggie ducks his head, his face heating up. “Not like that, nothing really intimate or up close. But I keep thinking about singing you love songs, maybe down by the sea, or us watching a movie with your head in my lap.”

Luke coughs politely and raises his hand.

“Dude - what are you, four?” Alex asks, frowning as Luke waits for permission. “Yeah, go on then.”

“I would say that singing a love song to someone is totally an intimate thing, and if you’re not gonna do the other stuff that’s like, a real good way to show how you feel.” Luke smiles sadly and turns his head away. “Kinda makes me wish I had someone to sing to.”

Reggie turns to Alex and they share a look, grinning when they realise they’re having the same thoughts. 

“That was a good thing to say,” Julie tells Luke, patting him on the leg. “But you really don’t need to put your hand up to speak, we’re not in a class at school.”

“Seriously?!” Luke exclaims, throwing his hands in the air either side of Julie to avoid hitting her. “One minute it’s all “no Luke, you sit there and be quiet” so I ask to get involved, but then after the next thing I say you’re telling me I don’t have to ask? Like honestly, how am I meant to be part of this? Or should I just go and leave you to it?”

“Yeah, he’s definitely four,” Reggie confirms, and Alex laughs, squeezing his hand gently. “So what was all that about with Willie? We were just hugging, man, and you acted like I’d betrayed you.”

Alex sighs heavily and closes his eyes. “Willie knew how I felt about you, and he told me he didn’t want any kind of relationship, with anyone. So seeing him hugging you hurt because I wanted you and thought you didn’t want me, but also because I felt betrayed by him. It was like you’d both been keeping secrets from me and I just - I didn’t handle that very well, as you know.”

Reggie stretches himself out and rests his feet on the coffee table, then tugs on Alex’s hand. “Come sit up here with me,” He murmurs, holding his arms out for a hug.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Reggie pulls harder this time, and Alex stands, a shy smile blossoming on his face. “Unless you’re gonna change your mind and decide you don’t want to be near me after all.”

“What - no!” Alex drops on Reggie, heavier than he’d expected, and Reggie groans. “Reg, I would not do that to you. For a start there’s nothing wrong with being who you are, but also you’re my best friend. Even if I changed my mind, or I’d never had a crush on you, I wouldn’t be pushing you away or making it a problem. I wouldn’t hurt you like that.”

Reggie closes his eyes and rests his head against Alex’s. Every part of him can feel that, as Alex lies in his arms, but if it’s true, there’s something he has to know. “So why did you run away right after I’d told you?”

“It wasn’t running away from you.” Alex breathes heavily, feeling around with his hand until he’s holding Reggie’s again. “It was running back to Willie, to find out what exactly I could do with you as an asexual person. I was making sure I did the right thing for you - for both of us - so we could make this work. I didn’t even realise how it looked for you until Luke appeared later, yelling about how upset you were.”

“Yeah, I don’t believe that line either,” Luke chirps in from the couch, then yelps as Julie hurts him. “No, come on Alex! You had all those feelings for so long, and when Reggie finally says he feels the same, your first thought was to get outta here and see some other guy, who you both thought the other was crushing on? Really, you want us to believe that talking to Willie was more important than talking to Reggie, who was right here and had just spilled his guts about his feelings?”

Alex trembles in Reggie’s arms, rubbing his head against Reggie’s, and Reggie squeezes his hand tightly. “I believe you,” He says quietly, and Alex whimpers. “Kinda terrifying, to feel something so intense for another person, and see them suffering. Especially when you know one wrong word at the wrong time could break them, and then that’s all on you.” Reggie wiggles his other arm free and wraps it around Alex, rubbing his back firmly. “It’s like that for me when you get panic attacks, and the first time I just froze, leaving Luke to deal with it, because I was so scared I’d make it worse and you’d hate me after.”

“Could never hate you,” Alex whispers, and presses a kiss to Reggie’s cheek. “I could never hate someone with such a big heart and beautiful thoughts.”

Luke groans and fakes throwing up in the background, but Reggie doesn’t even care. With Alex in his arms the rest of the world fades out, less real and present and important, and they’ve already waited too long for this moment. Reggie’s not going to waste any more time telling Luke to grow up, when he could say the words he really wants to instead.

“You’re the most important person in the world to me, Alexander.”

Alex whines, low and embarrassed, and does it again when Reggie kisses his forehead. “Do you really have to-”

“Yes,” Reggie tells him and adds another kiss, his lips lingering on Alex’s hair this time. “Because I need you to know that I feel everything for you. Not the uh, other stuff. But everything I can, and everything I want. There’s no one else, Alex, and I don’t think there ever will be.”

“Okay. And I - I do have the feelings for you, the ones you don’t have for me,” Alex says unsteadily. “But I want you, and whatever we can have together. And if that means - well, whatever it means, whatever you want and feel good about and enjoy, that’s what we’ll do.” He breathes shakily and Reggie rubs his back again. “Because you mean everything to me, Reg, and I just want to make you happy.”

“Oh trust me,” Reggie says, grinning into Alex’s cheek. “I will be, Alex, with you. I really will.”


End file.
